Reviewing Abduction is hard for me, because I’m clearly not the target audience. It’s The Bourne Identity for the Twilight crowd; a flimsy vehicle for Team Jacob to run in front of. It’s also the stupidest movie I’ve seen all year. “Unknown”, “Season of the Witch” and “Priest” are “Taken”, “Army Of Darkness” and “Let Me In” compared to this tripe. What happened, John Singleton? After the transcendant “2 Fast 2 Furious”, we were all expecting great things from you, and now our hopes are collectively dashed.
Let’s start with the “star”, Taylor Lautner. He has washboard abs with a personality to match. He is a human two-by-four on a swivel. His character, uh… lets say, Forgettable Action Boy, since I forgot every character’s name, is a douche with anger issues, maybe because his dad keeps honing his MMA skills out by the pool while mom watches and says “Oh, men.” We spend a good 30 minutes in this dick’s life, watching him douche-out on the hood of a speeding pick-up truck, get grounded for waking up on a lawn without his shirt on, and pine for the Hot Red-Head across the street. Of course they get teamed up on a sociology paper on abducted children, leading to the only possible way FAB could find his young self on a website for missing kids. Unfortunately the website is fake, run by mysterious evil-type people for mysterious purposes, so when FAB calls himself in, they hack his webcam and call in the cavalry. This gives FAB a good 10 minutes to pout about his confused heritage before a strike team comes to kill the fake parents and plant a bomb in the oven.
After a pretty cool explosion, FAB and HRH go on the run. The movie spirals through exposition and plot holes for the rest of the duration, giving FAB plenty of opportunity to utilize his only two skills: kicking people in the face and missing his parents. Sigourney Weaver is completely wasted as FAB’s spychologist. Her final scene is actually painful to watch. Doctor Octopus is also involved somehow, I don’t know…
There’s not much more to say. I didn’t hate it, but it’s a nothing movie. In two years no one will remember it. Except for me, because in my mind I replaced Taylor Lautner with Alpaca Lautner in every scene:
Now it’s the funniest movie I’ve ever seen, and I will remember it forever.
Quote Of The Night:
HRH: What are you planning on doing?
Alpaca: HUUUEEEEERRRMMPH!
